If I Had Ever Existed
by Falling.Grace.Replica
Summary: He couldn’t remember when he had collapsed, nor could he remember when that excruciatingly annoying voice had finally left him, leaving him to be swallowed by his own silence. When had it gotten so quiet.


_Disclaimer: As much as I would like, no love, to own this anime/manga I don't. Saiyuki is owned to Kazuya Minejura; my hero for make such good anime/manga and the sexy men that accompany it. _

_Warning: swearing, (a lot of) angst, dark (at least according to me), OC, disturbing imagery and fluff. If you do not like any of this please don't read. _

**If I had ever existed**

_**Prologue**_

_If I had ever existed this would be my story, my truth, my life. Told by no one in particular and witnessed by few…_

… _This would be my life just as it is…_

* * *

A slender finger coiled around the trigger for what seemed like the millionth time that day. He couldn't count how many bullets his revolver spat, nor could he count the amount that he had to reload. He couldn't recall when or how his flesh was cut and wounded, nor could he recall the pain that it beared. He couldn't remember when…

The dust had settle long ago, leaving sharp and blunt rubble; the remains of a broken building, remains of Houtou castle. Crimson stained patches were scratched into rocks, bricks and stones, as thick blood drops detached its self from over flooding pools of dead red. The queasy smell of decay swallowed the air he breathed; chocking him. And disfigured and unrecognizable corpses laid lifeless, drowned in blood; united to gather, making a sea of death. The landscaped was soon to turn into a mural of hell, when this fight was done.

But what was he fighting?

Or rather…

_Why_ was he fighting?

Sanzo's left cheek was pushed between his teeth and he felt his jaw shift and crack as a fist was thrown into his face. The right side of his head hammered onto the ground with the rest of his now blood soaked body; an almost transparent blanket of dirt lifted as he slid upon the rough grabble. The blood that clung onto his robes, sticking his clothing onto him like a second skin, was both of his own and of the demons he had killed. If he had laid there, leaving his now crippled and wounded body still and unmoving, they would have turned their heals and left but…

They turned, walking away from the trash that they had just put out. Sanzo hoisted his body up, carried himself with legs that would soon collapsed. 'Damn it to hell if I let these bastards kill me' his thought wrapped with determination

'Determination for what? Why am I---

Thoughts then fell dead, killed off by a blood chilling scream that echoed through the wreckage.

"_Goku" _came as a whisper, so light and hollow; his voice stolen by the fear that now clipped and bit it self onto his soul. Raising his gun once more, in a determined attempt to _kill,_ he aimed and shot; the chakra being his bull's eye. But the bullet, like so many other times, only hit the unseen shield encircling them, causing ripples to erupt and thin out into the air. Yes, he was fighting gods.

Rage rained onto his mind, soul and heart, he found his bleeding body shaking in utter and complete anger, his rational thoughts crushed by it. "You bastards" voice cotter and engulfed by promises of death. He had lost it.

A slender finger coiled around the trigger for what seemed like the millionth time that day. He couldn't count how many bullets his revolver spat, nor could he count the amount that he had had to reload. He couldn't recall when or how his flesh was cut and wounded, nor could he recall the pain that it beared. He couldn't remember when he had collapsed, nor could he remember when that excruciatingly annoying voice had finally left him, leaving him to be swallowed by his own silence.

* * *

_A/N: The prologue is done! This idea had been floating in my head for quiet some time now and I've been reading so much fanfic that I thought I should write some myself. This is going to be a real angst ridden fic but I'll (try) to balance it out with some humor. I hope that you all like this so far! Pleas review. And I am sorry for any_ _spelling or grammatical errors_ _there may be, I don't have a beta._


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